Funny Jokes

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.”
The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”

A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer. Larry sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks the bartender about the noise.. The bartender tells him that they’re playing bar room football. So Larry decides to go and check it out.

He walks in and asks how to play and if he can play. A man named Joe tells him that in order to score a touchdown, you have to drink a can of beer within 10 seconds and to go for the extra point, you gotta pull down your pants and fart.

So they play for a while and Larry goes for the touchdown and drinks the beer in 8 seconds. So Larry pulls down his pants to go for the extra point.

All of a sudden, a man comes up from behind and sticks his dick up Larry’s ass.

Larry jumps and says, “What the hell did you do that for?”

The man answers, “I was trying to block the extra point!!!”

A Frenchman, an American and an Australian were in a bar.

The Frenchman says “My name’s is Pierre, I come from Paris and I have a swimming pool so big that I need a motor boat to travel from one end to the other!”

The American says “My name’s Chuck, I come from Dallas and I have a ranch so big that it takes me two days to drive around it !”

The Australian says “My names Bruce, I come from Sydney and I’ve got an 18″ penis !”

The Frenchman and the American look at each other and then the Frenchman says “OK. OK. I lied. My pool is really just Olympic size.” The American says “Yeah, well, I lied too. My ranch really isn’t all that big.”

The Australian says “Ok. I admit that I lied as well. I really come from Adelaide !”

An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“How did you know?” he asks.

“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, “Magic Bitter.”

She thinks he’s a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the pub. After realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, “That isn’t really Magic Bitter is it?”

He says, “Yes. I’ll show you.” So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.

She can’t believe it. She says to him, “I bet you can’t do that again.” So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back in the window. She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter.

So the bloke says to the bartender, “Give her a pint of what I’m having.” She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.

The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, “Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’ve been drinking”

Ok, there’s this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-maker truck driver steps next to him, and drinks what he was staring at. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll pay you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying”.

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. And the police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just runs away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, to this bar. And when I was thinking about getting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison cocktail I just mixed…”