Funny Jokes

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital in Washington D.C. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse

“I would really like to see President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton before I die,” whispered the priest.

“I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; the Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I’m IN IT TO WIN IT.”

Bill agreed–it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a press release about it.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the old priest took Bill’s hand in his right hand and Hillary’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Bill Clinton spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

“Amen” said Bill.

“Amen” said Hillary.

The old priest continued…

“He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.”

A burglar is breaking into a home and as he comes into the living room he hears ‘God is watching you’.
Upon hearing this he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner and says, ‘What is your name?’ . The bird replies, ‘Moses’. The burglar laughs and says, ‘What kind of idiot names their parrot Moses’ And the bird replies ‘The same idiot who named his Rottweiler – God’

What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?

To get a diarrhea!

A woman rubbed a lamp and out popped a genie.

“Do i get three wishes?” she asked.

“Nope, I’m a one wish genie. What will it be?”

“See this map? I want these three countries to stop fighting so that we can have world peace”

The genie replied, “They’ve been at war thousands of years, I’m not that good. Anything else?”

The woman responded, “Sure, I’d love a good man who’s considerate, loves kids, likes to cook and doesn’t want to watch sports all day”

“Okay, let me see the map again” the genie responded with a sigh.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. “Need some help?” a secretary, walking by, asked.

“Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?” “Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

“Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”